How NOT to be a Bad Ski Racing Parent
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Jim Taylor
In my last ski racing post, I shared recommendations on being the best ski racing parent you can be during the upcoming race season. In general, I much prefer to focus on the positives of behavior. I emphasized in that article what you can do to help your ski-racing children have a great experience in our sport, ski their fastest, and achieve their goals.
At the same time, the reality is that many parents don’t always do the right thing for their children (despite their best intentions). In these cases, I’ve always found it helpful to describe what I consider wrong because it creates awareness and distinguishes between healthy, appropriate behavior and inappropriate behavior.
I have provided below what I believe you don’t want to do with yourself, other parents, coaches, and your children. Your goal? Come April, you’ll still be in the running for Ski Racing Parent of the Year (no such award exists, but I sense some of you are gearing up for the ceremony) or, at a minimum, keep you and your ski-racing children on good terms throughout the season.
DON’T FOR YOURSELF:
- Base your self-esteem and ego on your children’s ski racing success. If you place the weight of your self-worth on your children’s shoulders, you are putting a crushing weight on them that will guarantee either failure or profound unhappiness (or both). Of course, you’ll also be profoundly unhappy because your children failed to make you feel good about yourself (which isn’t their job). If you don’t have other parts of your life (e.g., marriage, career, hobbies) that make you feel good and boost your ego, I have three words for you: GET A LIFE!
- Care too much about how your children ski. The chances of your children becoming great ski racers are statistically infinitesimal, so caring too much about results, points, and rankings will only make you and them miserable.
- Lose perspective about the importance of your child’s ski racing. Another reality is that ski racing is pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things. That’s not to say that it doesn’t have value. On the contrary, ski racing is wonderful for its fun, physical benefits, and it can teach your children essential life skills. But when you lose sight of what’s important, your children will suffer and don’t benefit.
DON’T WITH OTHER PARENTS:
- Make enemies of other parents. If your children stay involved in ski racing for years to come, you’ll be seeing the same parents every weekend for the next decade or more. Of course, you’ll come across some parents who aren’t your cup of tea and there will be ill feelings and conflicts along the way. But being around people you don’t get along with is not fun. Plus, your children will feel the tension and it will distract them from their enjoyment. My motto with other parents is: “Be kind, be accepting, be grown up!”
- Talk about others in the ski racing community; talk with them. As with any community, there will be parents who are members of the ski racing “in” crowd and those who aren’t. And this divergence can cause gossip to run rampant. There will always be parents who are different or do things you disagree with. But talking about other parents is petty and unproductive. If parents you know are different (and they probably know they are), instead of gossiping about and marginalizing them, why not try to include them? If you have issues with some parents, why not talk to them? You may find that there is more common ground than you think. And it sure beats wasting all that negative energy talking about and avoiding them.
DON’T WITH COACHES:
- Interfere with their coaching during training and races. You pay the coaches good money (not enough) to care for your children. And don’t underestimate the positive influence that coaches can have on them. Some of the most influential people in my personal development were my coaches at Burke (i.e., Warren Witherell, Finn Gundersen, Marty Heib, Chris Jones). Why would you want to get in the way of your children’s coaches doing their job? Of course, you have a right to give input and receive feedback about your children, but it should never occur during training or at races when you want the coaches focused on your children.
- Work at cross purposes with your children’s coaches. Make sure you agree philosophically and practically on why your children are ski racing and what they will get out of the sport. If you’re at loggerheads with your children’s coaches because you have different goals than they do, your children will be the ones who suffer for it. You have three choices: Get on the coaches’ program, find common ground, or find another program that better fits with your goals for your children.
DON’T FOR YOUR CHILDREN:
- Think of your children’s ski racing as an investment from which you expect a return, but not necessarily in the “fame and fortune” sense. For every Bode Miller and Lindsey Vonn, there are 1000s of racers like me who dreamed big but didn’t have what it took to climb to the top of the podium. And don’t even think about a college scholarship; there are very few of them and they rarely cover the total cost of college. You’d be better off putting all that money you spend on your children’s ski racing in a 529 account. Of course, then your kids would miss out on a lot of fun.
- Make your child feel guilty for the time, energy, and money you’re spending and the sacrifices you make for their ski racing. I don’t believe that children should be involved in any discussion about the costs of ski racing; that’s not their job. You need to decide the investment you want to make and then accept it. If you can’t, then get out of the sport. Of course, you should expect your children to take full advantage of the opportunities that you give them. So, if they’re not, for example, working hard or caring for their equipment, you need to talk with them. But it’s best not to play the “Do you know how expensive ski racing is?” guilt card to motivate your children. Instead, focus on why they aren’t doing their job. Perhaps your children don’t enjoy it any longer and want to do something else, in which case you’ll save yourself a whole lot of aggravation and money.
- Show negative emotions while attending races. Your children are highly tuned in to your feelings. They will sense it no matter how much you try to smile if you’re frustrated, angry, or disappointed. The bottom line is that if you can’t be positive at races, don’t go!
- Ask your child to talk with you immediately after a race. Kids not only want space after a race but also need it. That is when young racers need to experience and feel deeply about the thrill of their victory or the agony of their defeat. When your children are ready, they’ll come to you.
- Live out your dreams through your children’s ski racing. That’s also not their job. You should have your dreams and your children should have theirs. Asking your children to live your dream won’t fulfill your dream and will probably turn their ski-racing experiences into a nightmare trying to please you.
- Compare your child’s progress with that of other children. Ski racing is a marathon, not a sprint. Where your children finish when they are young or in comparison to other racers doesn’t matter. Stars at age 12 are often off the front page at age 17. Plus, neither you nor they have any control over other racers. What matters is whether your children are progressing toward their goals.
- Don’t look at Live Timing before you talk to your kids about their race. Live Timing misses many nuances of what can make a ski race successful, especially when the results you read on the screen may suggest otherwise.
- Badger, harass, use sarcasm, threaten, or use fear to motivate your children. You may get some results out of them for a while, but at some point, they’ll push back and it won’t be pretty. Plus, such behavior only makes you look like a terrible parent, demeans your children, and makes them to hate you.
- Expect anything from your children except their best effort, good behavior, and expressions of gratitude for the opportunity you have given to them. If they fulfill those simple expectations, your children will be successful at something (though perhaps not ski racing) and, just as importantly, they will be happy and well-adjusted people.
- EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO GET ANYTHING MORE FROM THEIR SKI RACING THAN FUN, PHYSICAL FITNESS, MASTERY AND LOVE OF A LIFETIME SPORT, AND TRANSFERABLE LIFE SKILLS.
- EVER DO ANYTHING THAT WILL CAUSE THEM TO THINK LESS OF THEMSELVES OR YOU!!!
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